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A lonely girl in a lost world.

You Never tell a soul how you feel. You Never let them in. Because they’ll use it against you to crush you. I was killed a long time ago. By a man I loved deeply. The hardest man to get over. An abusive man. Only tell the facts I remind myself. If I let anyone in, they’ll ruin me. I’ve already been vulnerable and then destroyed. Why was I so naive? Why did I ignore the warning signs? Why didn’t I listen to my mother? Am I ruined for life? I’ll never let another man (or woman for that matter) hold my vulnerability in their hands. No, never again. No one will ever know what I feel inside this stone Cold heart of mine. I’ll never tell you how many times he broke my heart, my trust, my hope, my faith. It’s gone. Gone like the twin towers. It’s all gone. These are things you never forget. You love so strong to a man who didn’t love you back and he uses your love to kill you. He doesn’t have to do anything but destroy with his mouth and his actions. He kills you by making you hate your life and going into a severe depression. You try to end the relationship 3 times but he doesn’t let you. He talks you into staying. In fact, he begs you to stay. You remember why you fell in love with him. Your feelings are too strong that you lose sight of everything you’ve ever believed. How can someone have such power? Now you can not find any way out. My mind starts to wonder. The only way out of this one-sided relationship is suicide. But I don’t do it, why? Why won’t I tell anyone this? Am I in denial? Do I even love myself? How can I love someone else if I can’t even love myself?

He treats me well. I try to think of excuses to end it. Why? I think about being single again from time to time. I feel as though if I break it off, a weight will be lifted off my shoulders. Is this right? I don’t know. Any little thing that goes wrong, I’m gone. It’s too much. I can’t take it. But it’s little. Not like the abuse that I experienced before. But I want to run. Far. I am running but I’m not going anywhere. Why is this so hard? You’d think it’d be a walk in the park after what you have just gone through. Then I remember, I am dead inside. I hold it all in. I haven’t let all of it out. I haven’t cried. I haven’t even forgiven myself. I’ve always had a hard time with forgiveness.

I feel alone. I have my family and I love them so deeply. Yes, I’d do anything for them. But I am still alone. Still searching. You know, I do pray. So why do I still feel alone? I look out the window and am reminded how depressing this time of year is. Always cloudy. Even on the sunny days I can’t shake it off. But you keep going because your family needs you. I love them so much that I am making a conscious effort to not do anything stupid. I do not live to the fullest, I love to the fullest.

I am filled with anger and bitterness. I have hatred in my heart of hearts. I’m so angry at everyone I know. I am consumed with my hatred I have for others. I am not happy. But none of that matters. Because I am alone I feel completely isolated in a crowd.

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